Heart purification

Out of the reasons, I feel empty. It is just like, there is something lacking. And, the weirdest is I haven't shed any tears out since three months ago (?). Not a few drops of salty water from my eyes. I am afraid. Is my heart sealed? You know, a person with a sick heart will never react to the needs of other people. He does not care if his brothers and sisters are afflicted by hardship. The thing that he really care is only about himself. Ah...... Thinking about it, really gives me goosebumps.......

Remembering on what my father always said in his tazkirah, “The heart will be subjected to trial after trial, and there will appear a black stain on any heart that is affected, which will spread until the heart is completely black and sealed, as it were, so that it will not recognize any good deed or denounce any evil, except whatever suits its own desires.” (Reported by Muslim).

Oh forget to mention, I am at home now. Since I am on medication, a lot of changes had to be done on my original plans ie my practical placement and whatever (I 'll update this one in the separate entry. Later). Well, being at home at the moment, so no excuse not to follow the parents rules. Mom used to force me to accompany her to the mosque and I went when I could (when I feel like I want to go. hihi). Plus, looking back at everything that had happened, I think I have to find ways to overcome it.

 And it happened that the particular topic at the class that I had attended was regarding our attitudes during the pain and suffering happened. After thoroughly addressing the introduction of the dimension of the Kitab Penawar Bagi Hati, which he explained that Tasawwuf is the path to self-purification (membersih segala anggota zahir). But, although it focuses on the inner feelings, the other parts of the body also have to be responsible too.

Seven parts of the body that are clashed their upright and evilness:

1. Eyes

2. Nose

3. Mouth

4. Ears

5. Pubic area (Faraj)

6. Stomach

7. Hands & legs

Interesting question that being asked by the ustaz, why does we always go back to Allah when it is already late ? When there is something happened, we will seek for physical excuse, this is because of this, because of that. Yet, we actually know everything that happened is from Allah. Why we are so late to see Allah in everything........ The ustaz even said, to show He is more powerful than you, Allah sends some weird event to test you (The translation of Al-Kahfi: Story of ashabul kahfi), to see how we cope with it. To see if we will turn towards the straight path or away from it.

I was slapped by the teacher's words. Mann, this is me. When I was diagnosed with the rare disease, I am influenced by the people around me, a lot of things crossed in my mind. Because of continuous fever, stress, & even over-striving for excellence (People see me as the perfectionist. Working hard all the way. hua). I never think of Allah at first place. Ya Allah so horrible of me to think that way. It was then that I started truly understanding the ways of Allah, how everything that happens has a purpose (It doesn't matter I know or not what the reason is)..... and that I am supposed to learn from that.......