Reclaiming myself

"What are you going to do this Ramadhan?"

"Bring myself closer to Him, Insya Allah" 

"Aww, bring me to Him tooooooo!" 

*Vomit a bucket*

Picture: During "Majlis Solat Hajat Perdana in Machang"

On the serious note, Alhamdulillah Ramadhan is approaching, again! Did anyone noticed that time is moving slightly faster now ? Or, is it only my illusions ? After all, it is so frightening T__T This time, last year I was in the final semester of my diploma years in Machang. It was a very hectic semester, I didn't manage to finish even half of my Quran. ......And, I am very regret for not doing so. As for this year, I 'll be having my first degree final examination starting from next week. Six papers guys, six papers :( & to make it more worst, they are all in Ramadhan. These few days, my mind is keep thinking on how can I get the most out of this holy month whilst dealing with my final examinations. I want to win both.......

We are all not so little anymore. The basic declaration of "I would not get to eat or drink from dawn to dusk for the entire month" is not reliable anymore. There is soooo much more about this month. What it means, what the blessings are like, and how heaven opens up its doors to us.... How can you guys are not excited about all these matters ? 

I have always think that Ramadhan should be fun. Through fasting, we help to increase our mental efficiency and can spend more time applying ourselves to helping those around us. Well, being generous is definitely an Islamic merit, but being generous in Ramadhan is even more highly rewarded guys! Sooooo basically, Ramadhan is not only about the food fiesta! Hehe. The most important, it gives us another opportunity to boost our spiritual. Basically, we are always unaware of our sins that we do everyday. Thus, this is the right time for us to start cleansing our hearts and seek for Allah's forgiveness in order to embrace this holy month. 

This year, I am not going the same mistake as last year anymore. I am not saying I failed badly during the last Ramadhan (Obviously, who want to grade themselves as failure?). It is like.. by the time I finally manage to adapt with the tight schedule, I realize it is the time to bid farewell. It was so disappointing. Soooooo, I want to do better this year! You know, I read a lot of articles regarding the preparations to celebrate Ramadhan on internet and books just to make sure that I have basic knowledge on what I should really do this month. Hehe.

Examination mode is still on. But, we always have to keep in mind that in the time of competing for our survival on this materialistic world, the race for paradise should never be forgotten. I tell you earlier, I want to win both. Of course, it takes a little effort a lot of hard works to get there. But, insya Allah with Allah's help, I am going to make the best of this month. Let's do this together. Amin :)

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How close are you with Him now ?

........

Dead week

Week 14.

Examination week is coming in another two weeks :( This is my first time to sit for degree final exam and I am quite nervous for it. I hate this feeling. As I am typing this entry, my mind is sooo busy thinking of the assignments that have yet to be settled, final assesments that are all half-way done, video that is still not compiled, three tests that I have to face (I haven't finish reading them, of course), presentations, and bla bla. Astaghfirullah, banyaknya kerja!

"Why are you so serious?"

"Idk. Just go do your work, busy man".

******

This part is the worst. It affects my emotions! It is hard to say where it started, but it certainly has something to do with my tight schedule. I plan to write since last few days. But, I think my IQ shrunk about thirty points from normal. I did almost everything wrong. And, of course A gets to taste my cranky mood. The closest target. hehe. A is so cool, you know. Sometimes, I get so jealous with him. How can he manages to stay calm with all the datelines? huh.

As cramping all the emotions in my head seems cannot settle all the problems, I decided to have me-time on the prayer mat just now. Usually I would go to A too, but.... since I have chased him to do his work... (I have to save my face) hehe.

This life is a test for the hereafter.

"[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed - and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving" (Al-Mulk:2)

I am so worry about the upcoming final exam. Until, I forget that the the real test that will be held in the hereafter. Astaghfirullah. Questions strike into my head one after another. If only with the final examinations on the earth, we have started to freak out, how about the tests in the hereafter ? If only we can stay awake just for final examination, how can we do nothing for that tests ? After all, these tests are nothing much to be compared with the one that we are going to face up there.

.........

Adult dilemma.

Hello. Assalamualaikum.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. Time is moving soo fast! Another two weeks before my holidays really ends. Phew, after almost three months, it is so nice to think that I am going back to the campus life for good. Lately, A and I had a looong serious talk for almost everyday. You know, started from the random talks about friends, life experiences and inspirations, some politics issues, and the main subject matter that will never be forgotten (This topic is the hardest and the most painful to be talked to), what the future really hold for both of us.... 

"I am so stress with my work. I am thinking to further my studies. How's your day ?"

"Not good. I am stress too. I haven't decide where I want to go."

The growing up syndrome, may be ? Hehe. Ahhhh if only I know, growing up will be this hard... :( I guess we are really in crisis now. Both of us are in rush to settle everything in time in order to proceed to the next serious stage (Wuu). Well, the conversation will usually end up with one consoling another...... & the last message will be:

"Let's sleep, don't worry too much. We 'll continue tomorrow."

******HAHA******

But, seriiiouuuuslyyyyy life is riddled with a lot of tough questions mannnn! For everyone's information, I have secured my place in two universities for my degree program. & now, it is the time to only reply the offer (Which I haven't done it yet). I really don't want to think, but it just happened....... and pop! Makes me wondering a lot. May be the fault is on me, I am too immersed with the idea of achieving. We have to achieve this and that in order to achieve the highest dream of everyone -living the high life one day. 

Thinking of what Ustaz said in my tafsir class (We discussed about surah Al-Mulk last night), ..Yang menciptakan mati dan hidup, untuk menguji kamu, siapa yang diantara kamu yang lebih baik amalnya. Dan Dia Mahaperkasa Maha Pengampun (Al-Mulk:2). In this sentence, it tells that He is the one who created death & life in order to test us. And to be more exact, Allah will always tests us till the end of our lives and His tests will be in many ways, either through the hardships or by the ease-ness. The point here is we have to always do good deeds. & another thing to be highlighted, Allah urges us to do the best quality of amal. Ustaz repeated this many times in his talk: Allah uji kita dengan siapa yang lebih BAIK amalnya, bukan yang BANYAK amal. 

Hm. Subhanallah. I feel a lot better listening to the talk. Whenever we have conflict between our head and our heart, the only way out is only Allah. Only Him can take us through the storm. Well, logic thinking. Since He is the one who create the test, of course he will has the answer scheme. Am I right ? Hehe. Until I finish writing this entry, I am still not sure which offers I would like to accept. But, I know He will help me after this. Allah will never give his servants challenges without knowing their capabilities. I can survive! 

If you find yourself like me (In the crisis of adult dilemma), please noted that we are in the same boat. Let's take this opportunity to remain conscious of Allah all the time. May be before this, we always forget about Him. Perhaps ? 

Women are (n't) complicated

I have just finished reading a book and I am soooooo drowned into it nooow. Where She Went really got under my skin. This book turns out to a better book (Read: Incredible) compared to If I Stay. Well, just like Adam, knowing that both of them are no longer longer together (Mia dumped him without any hint of explaination) since the accident really makes me wondered. Why Mia why ?! 

"She kissed me good-bye. She told me that she loved me more than life itself. Then she stepped through security. She never came back." 

"Ever hear the one about that dog that spent it's life chasing cars and finally caught one - and had no idea what to do with it? I'm that dog."

Like him, I am angry too. Sometimes, I feel like I can feel everything what is he going through.. All things that he say, really breaks me :( Reading through the lines make me think a lot. How the power of love can destruct one self... And the worst is, how can Adam's story touches my heart more rather than the story of Mia losing her family.. They are amazing. Well, perhaps Adam's story is too bitter. And his emotions is too strong.... I can't help myself to feel upset at Mia.. how can she has the guts to leave Adam.. Hm, am I sobbing over a guys's broken heart now ? Haha

But, of course, the best part of this book is when Mia and Adam met again after being departed.. and start to talk about what really happened since three years ago. I really don't want to care on what Mia says. What I know is she really has no solid reasons to leave Adam. But, as I start to re-think again, the only thing that Adam do after he was left by Mia is only blaming her. And he takes a lot of anger out on others.. (I was influenced too. haha)... And you know, he even have another girlfriend after that too! Wow.

“It would ’ve been easier to die. It’s not that I want to be dead now. I don’t. I have a lot in my life that I get satisfaction from, that I love. But some days, especially in the beginning, it was so hard. And I couldn’t help but think that it would’ve been so much simpler to go with the rest of them. But you—you asked me to stay. You begged me to stay. You stood over me and you made a promise to me, as sacred as any vow.” 

"You talked to me, but you didn’t. I could see you having these two-sided conversations. The things you wanted to say to me. And the words that actually came out.”

When Mia finally tell him the reasons, I am quite stunned. I don't expect that it is also hard on her (Well, obviously she is the one who left. Why she should be sympathized ?). Ok, I 'm lying. If only I am Mia, I 'll do the same as her too. I guess. I don't mean to sound insensitive. But, I understand how Mia feel too. Sometimes we are too tired to explain things. Can't men just reflect & think what had they promise to us.. and what exactly had they done in order to fulfil all the promises ? Look, ok (Just now, I was on Adam's side. But now I am going to gang with Mia). Am I being complicated here ? Ah. My brain hurts now. Till then, take care guys. Haha

This is the real... reality

Assalamualaikum!

*This entry is pretty lengthy. Please bear with it*

I really want to blog since last two / three days ago. I am so excited! I haven't been to Islamic courses for a long time.. & When my Abah said that there is one tafsir class at the mosque nearby to my house.. No excuse to me this time! Hehe. We all need reminders.. to ensure we don't become so ensnared in this crazy world! It is so scary to think of, Masya Allah. 

I have always think Quran & us have a very special connection. It is just like we need sun to help us to see our way during the day. And I finally understand when Ustaz said this that night: Keperluan manusia terhadap Al-Quran lebih daripada keperluan ikan terhadap air. Allah always stresses us to think and to use our mind. You know, Quran is just like a love letter from Him, that is full of questions & answers.

Ustaz talked about the last part of Surah Al-Haqqah that night. I missed the first part of it. The second part was explained by Abah (He went to this class last week). Well, Al- Haqqah means The inevitable truth. Read: Reality. The reality is the inevitable event that will happen one day. What Abah always said to us... hari kehancuran ini ada dua, hancur maksudnya kiamat.. & juga mati. Mati juga umpama kiamat bagi kita.... Whether we realize or not, He always reminds us to be aware of the judgement day. Basically, the final part of this surah conclude everything that has been discussed in the early sections. Regarding Allah, his prophet, alam ghaib, & sam'iyyat things (syurga, neraka, hari kiamat etc etc).

My favourite Al-Quran

I am an old-style person (I guess). I love physical reading very much. If it has to be read, so I need books. Real books. Not from the handphone or what so ever. & when it comes to reading and learning, I have always need to jot down the important points (Or at least, things that I really think are very important to me). That is why, I still believe in the existence of notebook & planners. haha.

You know what Ustaz said that night ? Hak Al-Quran ke atas diri kita adalah kita mesti khatam sekurang-kurangnya dua kali setahun. Subhanallah, that is why Abah always forces us to read & read Al-Quran. Come on, we can go to work everyday, we can read hundred pages of novel, but to read a page of Al-Quran ? No ? 

*sigh* 

Listening to Ustaz's lecture really makes me think. I mean, we are just only normal human beings. We do a lot of mistakes. Sometimes, we try to hold our tongues, lower our gaze, or try as good as possible to avoid what Allah asks us to avoid.. but, we are normal human beings. We are weak and we can do the same mistakes over and over. But to know that Allah is always there for us, how can we never feel the shame ? No matter how bad we are, His door of forgiveness is always opens for us.

And, here we go for the most important notes that Ustaz said before he ended his lecture. If we have these four things with us, we have Islam in our hand. 

1) Zikr

2) Grateful body & soul

3) Sabr

4) Solehah wife / soleh husband

    
Another interesting point from Ustaz that makes me ponder: Innalillahiwainnailaihiroji'un. Kembali kepada Allah. Why we are busy to say that to the dead, whereby we should suppose to say that before we are really go back to Him. Pang! Slapped my face hardly! So, in whatever we do.. We have to always remember that there is another life in the hereafter. And that is the reality that all of us have to face. No one knows, when is the day. That is why, we are told to prepare for it. This is the real... reality.

I want to be better.

Step by step. Slowly.....

Kitchen fairy

"Heyyyy you are doing nothing all day todayyy"

"Can't you come and help me in the kitchen bla blaaaa"

.........

"Take my handphone, & check the screenshot pictures"

"That recipe looked very simple. You can do that"

I was having a me-time with my laptop when Mom started her nagging *Sesh, can't really see I am freeee* Being a good daughter...... I went to her & asked her what she wanted me to do. And, you know the rest of the story. Oh man! I can wash the dishes, I can help to keep the kitchen clean (I even mastered this one), but coo-ki-ng ? Hm. You know, I rarely cook (Everyone knows Fety. pfft). How can we say about this.. Everyone has their strengths & weakness. & this is a real fact that everyone should accept (HAHA. What a good excuse!).

Well, since Mom is being so helpful (How kind is she to save all the recipes for her daughter. ha ha), I decided to try it out. I took all the ingredients out of the fridge, and started to do as the instructions told me. Looking at the recipe...... I filled the bowl with hot water.. Of course, with a crazy imagination in my head (Wow, Fety can really cook etc etc)......... Until Mom came to me and asked again what was I really doing.

.........

"That recipe told you to MASAK dengan air, bukan MASUKKAN air"

.........

Crap!! I am so dead!! HAHA. It was funny, though. I really don't have patience at cooking. That is probably the biggest problem of mine. I did read the recipe, with only a quick glance. haha. Back to the recipe, Mom took charge in repairing the breakdown that I had made, & taaa daaaa it was done in 15 minutes. My Mom is really the kitchen fairy! ;D 

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Update:

I pass making this one! *flip hair*

Keep the faith

Assalamualaikum!

There are many things happened these few days & I have been quite affected with everything. The major flood.. that swept almost all of the districts in my state, and the latest news regarding the Air Asia's flight.. were making me to think a lot. When I wrote the last entry regarding the rainy days last week, I never think that the flood will be this worst (No, please don't relate my dream to this incident). 

Astaghfirullah. I too cannot lie, even though my family is not affected (directly) from this incident, I am very scared. It reminds me to one of my bed-time stories with Abah: The story of Prophet Nuh,  the tragedy of tsunami that happened in Acheh last 10 years, and the most important, it makes me think...... Am I ready for the judgement day ? :(

"Atau patutkah kamu merasa aman (tidak takut) kepada Allah yang pusat pemerintahan Nya di langit itu: menghantarkan kepada kamu angin ribut yang menghujani kamu dengan batu; maka dengan itu, kamu akan mengetahui kelak bagaimana buruknya kesan amaran Ku ?" (Al-Mulk:17)

Life is temporary. We are placed in this world for only a short time. Sehari di akhirat itu sama dengan seribu tahun di dunia. These are what Abah always said during his "lecture" to us. Well, the world is more like to a testing-ground where we are being tested.. Perhaps, we can say that our life is actually an examination ? So, how we respond to all of them will be evaluated and the results will eventually determine our after-life (Even to only think about this, makes me shivering a little inside). 

And today, I vow to be a better person. I have noted some things that I should do after this (Bismillah, may everything goes well with me). After all, instead of crazily competing for the best student title in the dunia, I guess it is better for us to hunt the award of the best student in the akhirat starting from now. hehe.