I deserve better.

Last year, I had a major heartbreak. The man I planned to marry - has gone. It was too private to talk. We both ended it regardless of who ultimately pulled the trigger. After all, none of it matters. I am all good now.

My parents are the most affected by this event. They were frustrated. Plus, they were worried about me too -They might think I 'll end up not married for the whole life. I had nothing to say to my parents. During that time, what I did was trying to analyze all the past mistakes among us. I accepted one job offer in KL (The best thing I could do at the moment. I believed). 

I moved on.

Eventually, I came up with realizations that helped me to make up with myself. Both of us liked each other honestly -But like alone is not enough. If I were married to him last year, I won't come out from Kelantan. I won't be staying with my sisters (This is one of our childhood dreams). I won't be living my dreams now.

Gradually, things got better. I started to understand what my friends and family had been saying all along: "You deserve better"...

Update:

I won't be meeting my man today.

Setting aside the dreams

**Postponed Entry**

Doc: Have you received my email?

Me: The case summary? Yes.
.
Doc: Please come to the hospital. I 'll explain.

Me: ....


I am sick. That 's what the doctor said. There is something in my head, which they too still unsure what 's it. What I remember distinctly, was when the doctor examined me last two weeks, he said it was just an ambiguous case. But now.. he starts explaining how I need to see a specialist from neuro-medical dept. (He confirmed that it was not tumor) and he would put the referral in.

Neuromyelitis optica. Out of all the explanations given by the doctor, the thing that  I only understand is it is something rare. Almost similar to multiple sclerosis. The ratio is 1/2 : 100 000 population in Malaysia. I felt the blood rushed to my head now. My adrenaline pumped so hard, and the fear starts to creep in.

I don't cry. In fact, I can't cry. There are no tears that want to come out of my eyes. The only thing that in my thoughts now is only regarding my place of internship. I am supposed to do my internship in the Public Bank Training Centre. I 've confirmed with them. But, with this sickness, there's no wayy that my parents would allow me to go.

Do I have to set aside my dreams now?

T_____T

Rest well, Che.

Post-poned entry.

My Che had returned to Allah last week (20th March 2015). Her passing was totally a shock, at least to me. I did not expect to receive a phone call from my sister to tell me that.. "Che takdok dah..."... It was surreal. I couldn't brain this. I just talked to her a week before.. I just talked to my mother about Che much-less six hours before her death.. I just liked her photo on instagram (uploaded by my cousin) three hours before she left for good.. I just.. I just.. lost for words.

This entry has been written since last two months.., but never finish..

I am lost in time machine now. There is so much I want to say about her that I can't even start. My siblings and I are the closest to Che. We used to call Che's house as our nursery. Well, since my parents are both working, all of us will stay at her place until noon.. sometimes, dragged until late in the evening or night, went to our home for sleep and changed clothes.. & the routine continued....... until we start schooling, literally at six/seven. She even the one who walked us to the kindergarten in the morning, and never forget to pick us up. We used to say, "Che tak payah lah ambik, kita kenal lah jalan balik rumah Che.." You know what was her reply ? "Tak boleh, orang jahat ramai!" (I was soooo jealous to see others walked home by themselveees, and sometimes with other frieeends, back at that time) -__-

Che was with us in almost all special occasions. Abah's birthday party, Umi's mother's day, small family's gathering, and even to our trips to masjid for kuliyah and tarawih, she will always included in our list. Every small things that we did, she will shout it from the rooftops. Well, it annoyed some people. huhu. Obviously, she was our biggest supporters. Since her house is more spacious (Read: No wifi), I used to study at her house for my big examinations. She will never fail to sleep before me. If only she slept before me, it was only because she accidentally slept. Anyone that knew my Che liked her very much. She was very easy to mingle with. One of my best friend's wedding shower was done at Che's house, and you know, she was the one who was more excited about that event! 

Tok Ayah's death affected her very much. She insisted to stay at her house although it was only for day-stay. She changed a lot. She became very secretive. And always talked about the same things everyday and we kept listening to the same stories all the time. Perhaps, she missed Tok Ayah a lot. Even if she rarely cooked after that, she never miss to ask us to buy groceries every month, and the most important; if only she cooked, she never forget to cook for us tooo (Ikan singgang is compulsory. Sometimes, there were up to three un-touched packed of them in the freezer). Haha

...

I have always imagined Che on my wedding day (We always had a little fight when talking about marriage thing. Pfffft). I am at the saddest level that I have ever been now. But, realizing that she was in the better place, I could not be much happier. By this time, perhaps she has been re-united back with her long lost boy friend in the jannah. Insya Allah. According to Umi and Chu, Che went away in a very beautiful way. She even had her house clean and tidy before she asked them to bring her to the hospital. She was so calm.. her heartbeat was slowed gradually, and after one heavy breath, she closed her eyes. Forever.

Rest well Che. 

We shall meet again, soon.

...

I would like to thank everyone who were there for me, since from the start I received the news. Friends who helped to send me off to the airport at 1 a.m., willing to wait for me at the airport until I safely went into the plane (My flight was at 7 a.m. It was the first flight), and to those who take time to deliver the message of condolences to my family and I, I would like to thank each one of you. May Allah bless! 

..

They are overly dependent.

How do you feel when people bring you down ?

How do you feel when someone ruined your assignment ? Your final project, to be exact. You had prepared all the case study for almost three weeks long.. Burned the midnight oil in order to try to make all the report flawless.. And.. Out of sudden he ruined it, they ruined it.. Deng! Deng! 

You don't have to feel bad because someone else is trying to make you feel bad. The choice is yours.

I can't. How could they did not see how I worked hard for this assignment ? In fact, I helped them (a lot) too. I did the editing part, and even binding! Several meetings had been done before the due date. I helped them searching for all the links and points related to. Overall that I hoped for them to do were only the ... (don't know what to fill here. Since 80% was from me). But, when it came to the submission day.. There were nothing.. Feeling of regret helping them suddenly popped out into my mind. I 'm not asking much. It is enough with some effort and cooperation.. Tired of crying.. I 'm writing this entry to express my feelings out! This is life, right ? Huhu.

Sincerity is a mystery between God and a servant.

Saat dilanda ujian, kita teriak kecewa

Tatkala dihimpit cubaan, kita meratap kesedihan

Apabila hati kita dibina dengan benteng kesabaran, dikelilingi senjata redha, dan sistem pertahanan berupa doa yang tak putus-putus, nescaya ia sukar untuk diroboh. Saat itu, Allah SWT pasti akan menurunkan pertolonganNya yang berupa kekuatan menyinari dalamannya dan memberikan ganjaran berlipat kali ganda atas kesabaran yang menghiasi diri hambaNya. -www.faridrashidi.com.

___________________________________________________

Hai hao! It has been a while kan. Aaah.. feels good to return back writing, a nice place where I can confess all my feelings. A bit rusty -___-" (This entry had been in the draft for quite some time. Not having enough strength to post it before this, for some cannot- be- avoid reasons. huhu).

Can't deny, failure is painful

Everyone hates it. It 's very negative and to me it sounds quite final. Well, have no experience in this kind of situation (Yes, this is the biggest problem, I have never suffered in such life events), of course I may think it 'll kill me.. and it may feel like it almost will.. just after it happened. But, trust me actually it won’t. Instead it makes us stronger. In the end of the process, we know that this is life cycle.. All we need is redha, dan ikhlas juga. :)

All in all, yes it is good to be back again!

I want you to know that I am trying

Too many pressures demand on me

The major source of stress has come. Tough exam tests, pop quiz(es), and group presentation are a few of other challenges that us encounter during the final weeks, which leading up to finals. Haih, one thing that I know is I am not alone. Everyone experiences the stress at this time. Nasib lah labu.

Sometimes, simply talk out loud can be a powerful method to cope with the stress. And, I am typing this short entry to tell everyone that I am under pressure, and to let you know that I am trying. I 'm trying to survive until the end knot. Yeaaa, I know, no solutions are created. But, at least, I am feeling better right now. :)

Anyone, feels the same thing right now? Swirl your hand everyone! Hihi (Penangan Kak Limah tak habis- habis. haha)

Your feelings don't have to control you

I feel so frustrated! Why did this have to happen? I 've said all these things many times, out loud or in my mind. I won't allow all these feelings to control me. Move on.

Ya Allah jangan kau coba aku

Melebihi batas mampu dan sanggupku

Bangunlah, jika Dia menghendaki kamu berdiri,dan duduklah jika Dia menghendaki anda duduk! Bersabarlah ketika Allah menjadikan anda seorang yang fakir. -La Tahzan

Umpama mimpi, itu lah perasaan kecewa yang dihadapi. Kurang berasas, tidak bertapak. Lumrah hidup, didatangi dengan segala macam jenis rasa. Gembira, sedih dan kecewa. Andai hidup gembira sentiasa, tiada manisnya gembira itu. Sekarang masa untuk mencari, mengumpul semula semangat yang hilang.

Kesedihan ini bukan dicari. Lagi bukan yang diharapkan. Masalah hari ini sudah ditetapkan 50 ribu tahun lama dahulu. Jelas, rezeki hari ini ditangguh. Ketetapan Nya pasti datang nanti. Oh ya, ini kisah manusia tertekan yang sedang menanti belaian kasih penciptanya.

Fear of exam failure.

Every man is afraid of something

I used to be of average results during my high school until I moved on to UiTM for Science Foundation. Everything seemed to be very tough. Then, came the final exam of semester 1 and somehow I think I screwed up badly (My instinct told me). The results are not out yet but I have very bad feeling about this. I was really afraid to lose my good results and I was so afraid that I might fail and eventually lost everything! :'(

I understand that life must be goes on but I realize that this exam is very important as well and the results will be needed for degree application. I might lose a few other opportunities next year because of these results. *What should I do?*

I'm not perfect.

God knows I'm not perfect, either

Yes. I do mistakes. Those mistakes, those imperfections is what makes us who we are. It's just a matter of learning from the mistakes. So please, give me chances to correct them.

You are trampling on my feelings.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don't talk or do- just hear me, please?

When I ask you to listen to me and you started giving me advice, you have not done what I asked. Please listen and just hear me. If you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn and I will listen to you.

Kegelisahan yang melampau. Ya, sangat.

Semenjak dua menjak kebelakangan, banyak rasanya perkara bersarang di minda. Baik sahaja memendam rasa. Mahu diluah sekalipun, tidak tahu dari mana harus dimulakan.

Apa yang saya tahu sekarang, rasa gelisah ini tidak wajar dibiarkan menghantui diri. Berserah diri kepada takdir dan redha terhadap pilihan telah ditentukanNya adalah jalan yang terbaik buat masa ini.

Okey. Case closed.
So so, happiness project please?

____________________________________________________

Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile

Well. I’ve been noticing how little I smile these two or three days -my face stays pretty serious, for the most part. And I think I should change that! Bobballe, SKJP, or whatever it is; come on come on! Plan something please? Seriously, need some therapy right now.