I deserve better.

Last year, I had a major heartbreak. The man I planned to marry - has gone. It was too private to talk. We both ended it regardless of who ultimately pulled the trigger. After all, none of it matters. I am all good now.

My parents are the most affected by this event. They were frustrated. Plus, they were worried about me too -They might think I 'll end up not married for the whole life. I had nothing to say to my parents. During that time, what I did was trying to analyze all the past mistakes among us. I accepted one job offer in KL (The best thing I could do at the moment. I believed). 

I moved on.

Eventually, I came up with realizations that helped me to make up with myself. Both of us liked each other honestly -But like alone is not enough. If I were married to him last year, I won't come out from Kelantan. I won't be staying with my sisters (This is one of our childhood dreams). I won't be living my dreams now.

Gradually, things got better. I started to understand what my friends and family had been saying all along: "You deserve better"...

Update:

I won't be meeting my man today.

Stage of life

This post is written in January 2018 (I was stressed about my job, in the meantime, happy that I'll be moving to another stage of my life). But, who knows? We plan. Allah also plans. Things have been toppled down.

I think for a million times before deciding to post this entry, but one thing that I know is I can't run from the reality. As if I don't post this entry, parts of my life diary 'll be incomplete. huhu

______________________________________________________________________

I really want this to work out

That's my plan. earlier. 

After six months, I stuck -__- Working in the manufacturing industry is so tiring (physical & mental). I don't know, I might be exaggerating here, but I think I can't tolerate it already.

---------------------------

Good news.

A & I have started to plan for the next phase of life.

Before this, I've always been a bit of sceptical when it comes to marriage. huhu. I don't know, I am just curious. How can I possibly agree to spend my life with this one person?

But, as the time goes, I know he is the one. We have been friends for nearly 8 years and things have started to become serious since last three years (kot?). He is with me. All the time (even virtually).

Alhamdulillah. His family has come to my house and after all the dung dang dung dang about date & whatever, all have been decided. I believe my parents are the happiest now. Pray for me. Insya Allah.

OK

I need a new job. Desperately.

The mysterious NMO

New year.

Another hopeful year (My real post starts here).

Alhamdulillah. People have told me how well I 'm coping and how they couldn't have done the same in this situation. I wonder, did they understand my disease? I don't know. I don't see that way. I had my moments of breakdown too. I researched, and had my moments of thinking about the worst thing.

Last few months were horrible. 

I suppose to start my treatment in few hours when my world started to twist. Both of my eyes began to twitch out of sudden, and the vision became muzzy. That time, I felt like I had to put my face on the paper, just to sign a document. Even the biggest letter on the board, I can't seeee it T___T I started to panic!! My neurologist immediately sent me to the ophthalmologist to ensure my eyes were examined.

Since that moment, I was started at a very high doses of steroids. I got three days of steroids via the IV. After that, 10 tablets of steroids everyday. Ten ok! Ten! Recovery had been very slow. My body weight increased from 44.5 to nearly 57 kgs in a blink (the side effect of steroid). I was in that condition for nearly six months before things slowly getting back to normal (It was so tiring to answer all the questions and plus, to entertain the stupid jokes from everyone during that time).

I have started working since last three months. So far, so good. It has been one year since the first (the worst) attack. I am now can only hope and pray that the chemotherapy that I have to take twice a year do its job, so that my body remains neurologically stable.

Looking through the gallery, I started to complete the puzzle. Just to reminiscing back how does it all started, I finally had the courage to write and post my story.

Another long story after this. I 'll update later.

(My eyes hurt)

So now what?

I rejected the Public Bank offer. They even insist on giving me another offer for the next term (which means I have to postpone my study for one semester), which.... I can't tolerate with that one. I 'm not going to postpone my study now. There is only one semester left. NO.

I 've to set another plan on what should I do at the moment. Most important, the degree must be finished on time. I 'm doing my industrial training in TNB now. Basically, the place is nice. Full of kind-hearted people. In fact, I have started writing my thesis (Thank you to my sister).

Well, so far, I 'm still living my normal life. I wake up in the morning, go to the office, come home at 5, and the list goes... making me consider myself exceptionally healthy. Somehow, the lacking of movement that I felt past few weeks is gone. I can walk properly now.

Whatever it is, I am largely over it now.

Moving forward.

I am so grateful. There has been no moment in these past few weeks that I have felt alone. I am blown away with the support system that I have. My mother is the one who is diligently accompanying me at the hospital. My father who is willing to stay behind after his office hours, coming to the hospital just to make prayer for me. My sisters who are willing to take turn waiting for me. & not to forget, my friends and A that never forget to ask me how I was feeling every day. I feel supported.

Knowing that this entry is very personal, but I as I 'm writing this, I feel the big burden on my shoulder is lifted off. I am hoping that writing and sharing my experience here will help me to go through the process. 

Setting aside the dreams

**Postponed Entry**

Doc: Have you received my email?

Me: The case summary? Yes.
.
Doc: Please come to the hospital. I 'll explain.

Me: ....


I am sick. That 's what the doctor said. There is something in my head, which they too still unsure what 's it. What I remember distinctly, was when the doctor examined me last two weeks, he said it was just an ambiguous case. But now.. he starts explaining how I need to see a specialist from neuro-medical dept. (He confirmed that it was not tumor) and he would put the referral in.

Neuromyelitis optica. Out of all the explanations given by the doctor, the thing that  I only understand is it is something rare. Almost similar to multiple sclerosis. The ratio is 1/2 : 100 000 population in Malaysia. I felt the blood rushed to my head now. My adrenaline pumped so hard, and the fear starts to creep in.

I don't cry. In fact, I can't cry. There are no tears that want to come out of my eyes. The only thing that in my thoughts now is only regarding my place of internship. I am supposed to do my internship in the Public Bank Training Centre. I 've confirmed with them. But, with this sickness, there's no wayy that my parents would allow me to go.

Do I have to set aside my dreams now?

T_____T

Heart purification

Out of the reasons, I feel empty. It is just like, there is something lacking. And, the weirdest is I haven't shed any tears out since three months ago (?). Not a few drops of salty water from my eyes. I am afraid. Is my heart sealed? You know, a person with a sick heart will never react to the needs of other people. He does not care if his brothers and sisters are afflicted by hardship. The thing that he really care is only about himself. Ah...... Thinking about it, really gives me goosebumps.......

Remembering on what my father always said in his tazkirah, “The heart will be subjected to trial after trial, and there will appear a black stain on any heart that is affected, which will spread until the heart is completely black and sealed, as it were, so that it will not recognize any good deed or denounce any evil, except whatever suits its own desires.” (Reported by Muslim).

Oh forget to mention, I am at home now. Since I am on medication, a lot of changes had to be done on my original plans ie my practical placement and whatever (I 'll update this one in the separate entry. Later). Well, being at home at the moment, so no excuse not to follow the parents rules. Mom used to force me to accompany her to the mosque and I went when I could (when I feel like I want to go. hihi). Plus, looking back at everything that had happened, I think I have to find ways to overcome it.

 And it happened that the particular topic at the class that I had attended was regarding our attitudes during the pain and suffering happened. After thoroughly addressing the introduction of the dimension of the Kitab Penawar Bagi Hati, which he explained that Tasawwuf is the path to self-purification (membersih segala anggota zahir). But, although it focuses on the inner feelings, the other parts of the body also have to be responsible too.

Seven parts of the body that are clashed their upright and evilness:

1. Eyes

2. Nose

3. Mouth

4. Ears

5. Pubic area (Faraj)

6. Stomach

7. Hands & legs

Interesting question that being asked by the ustaz, why does we always go back to Allah when it is already late ? When there is something happened, we will seek for physical excuse, this is because of this, because of that. Yet, we actually know everything that happened is from Allah. Why we are so late to see Allah in everything........ The ustaz even said, to show He is more powerful than you, Allah sends some weird event to test you (The translation of Al-Kahfi: Story of ashabul kahfi), to see how we cope with it. To see if we will turn towards the straight path or away from it.

I was slapped by the teacher's words. Mann, this is me. When I was diagnosed with the rare disease, I am influenced by the people around me, a lot of things crossed in my mind. Because of continuous fever, stress, & even over-striving for excellence (People see me as the perfectionist. Working hard all the way. hua). I never think of Allah at first place. Ya Allah so horrible of me to think that way. It was then that I started truly understanding the ways of Allah, how everything that happens has a purpose (It doesn't matter I know or not what the reason is)..... and that I am supposed to learn from that.......

Weak.

***Postponed Entry***

I am at the weakest point now. It has been my fifth day at home, but I do nothing so far. Works are still untouched, books are still in the bag. Argh. So frustrating. & Now, I 'm just trying to find some strength by writing something down here. I was just discharged from ward yesterday and of course would not want to be warded again in the nearest time. But. I don't know how long I can stay.... :(

It was just lucky I managed to reach home safely. Kedah-Penang-KL-Kelate. Phew! I had interview for my internship last Thursday. Thus, I tried hard to hold myself from being flaccid and it was really my rezqi that day as they called me straight away telling me that I 'm accepted for the internship place (They promised me they would call me within 2 weeks). wuhuuu! It was worth to pull my luggage to the office, being interviewed by them for almost 40 minutes...... (surprisingly, I speak no Malay all the way!), and walked alone by myself seeking for the train and what so ever.

At first, I thought I was infected with dengue. The chill feeling and headache were so terrible, but it was impossible as there were no red dots all over my body. I just knew there was something wrong with my body when I woke up during Tuesday morning with one of my worst hangovers ever. Too bad, I had final assessment that evening and my lecturer just didn't want to believe in my excuse. hua!!

I managed to hold myself at home for two days before I asked for my mother to bring me personally to the hospital. I can't stand it anymore. My symptoms included pounding headaches that lasted all day, cold chills in 90 degree weather, can't eat anything as I would like to vomit and severe muscle pain all over my body. I was in a total mess! I even felt that I was hallucinate. Scary.

Hyponatremia. That was what doctor told me. In easier words, disorder of sodium balance. My body lacked of salt. What I understand now is hyponatraemia almost always reflects an excess of water relative to sodium, commonly by dilution of total body sodium secondary to increases in total body water (water overload). In our body, it should be much less 155-160 mg/l of sodium. Meanwhile, as I went to the hospital last two days, there were only 117 mg/l of it in my body, which causing me to have headache, lethargy, and restlessness. The worst was I ate nothing. Everything made me nausea.

Yesterday, my horrible fever was gone.The headaches were gone. I felt better. In fact I felt so good I decided to accept visitors. I even managed to call the internship offices and settled some of my works, which making a concrete reason for doctor to discharge me. 10 bottles of sodium water had been injected in, but why my body starts to ache back today............ I don't want to be warded anymore...... I haven't read anything until now.. If things are continuously like this, I am going to screw my global marketing test this Wednesday T___T Pray for me guys!!

Dead week

Week 14.

Examination week is coming in another two weeks :( This is my first time to sit for degree final exam and I am quite nervous for it. I hate this feeling. As I am typing this entry, my mind is sooo busy thinking of the assignments that have yet to be settled, final assesments that are all half-way done, video that is still not compiled, three tests that I have to face (I haven't finish reading them, of course), presentations, and bla bla. Astaghfirullah, banyaknya kerja!

"Why are you so serious?"

"Idk. Just go do your work, busy man".

******

This part is the worst. It affects my emotions! It is hard to say where it started, but it certainly has something to do with my tight schedule. I plan to write since last few days. But, I think my IQ shrunk about thirty points from normal. I did almost everything wrong. And, of course A gets to taste my cranky mood. The closest target. hehe. A is so cool, you know. Sometimes, I get so jealous with him. How can he manages to stay calm with all the datelines? huh.

As cramping all the emotions in my head seems cannot settle all the problems, I decided to have me-time on the prayer mat just now. Usually I would go to A too, but.... since I have chased him to do his work... (I have to save my face) hehe.

This life is a test for the hereafter.

"[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed - and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving" (Al-Mulk:2)

I am so worry about the upcoming final exam. Until, I forget that the the real test that will be held in the hereafter. Astaghfirullah. Questions strike into my head one after another. If only with the final examinations on the earth, we have started to freak out, how about the tests in the hereafter ? If only we can stay awake just for final examination, how can we do nothing for that tests ? After all, these tests are nothing much to be compared with the one that we are going to face up there.

.........

Adult dilemma.

Hello. Assalamualaikum.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. Time is moving soo fast! Another two weeks before my holidays really ends. Phew, after almost three months, it is so nice to think that I am going back to the campus life for good. Lately, A and I had a looong serious talk for almost everyday. You know, started from the random talks about friends, life experiences and inspirations, some politics issues, and the main subject matter that will never be forgotten (This topic is the hardest and the most painful to be talked to), what the future really hold for both of us.... 

"I am so stress with my work. I am thinking to further my studies. How's your day ?"

"Not good. I am stress too. I haven't decide where I want to go."

The growing up syndrome, may be ? Hehe. Ahhhh if only I know, growing up will be this hard... :( I guess we are really in crisis now. Both of us are in rush to settle everything in time in order to proceed to the next serious stage (Wuu). Well, the conversation will usually end up with one consoling another...... & the last message will be:

"Let's sleep, don't worry too much. We 'll continue tomorrow."

******HAHA******

But, seriiiouuuuslyyyyy life is riddled with a lot of tough questions mannnn! For everyone's information, I have secured my place in two universities for my degree program. & now, it is the time to only reply the offer (Which I haven't done it yet). I really don't want to think, but it just happened....... and pop! Makes me wondering a lot. May be the fault is on me, I am too immersed with the idea of achieving. We have to achieve this and that in order to achieve the highest dream of everyone -living the high life one day. 

Thinking of what Ustaz said in my tafsir class (We discussed about surah Al-Mulk last night), ..Yang menciptakan mati dan hidup, untuk menguji kamu, siapa yang diantara kamu yang lebih baik amalnya. Dan Dia Mahaperkasa Maha Pengampun (Al-Mulk:2). In this sentence, it tells that He is the one who created death & life in order to test us. And to be more exact, Allah will always tests us till the end of our lives and His tests will be in many ways, either through the hardships or by the ease-ness. The point here is we have to always do good deeds. & another thing to be highlighted, Allah urges us to do the best quality of amal. Ustaz repeated this many times in his talk: Allah uji kita dengan siapa yang lebih BAIK amalnya, bukan yang BANYAK amal. 

Hm. Subhanallah. I feel a lot better listening to the talk. Whenever we have conflict between our head and our heart, the only way out is only Allah. Only Him can take us through the storm. Well, logic thinking. Since He is the one who create the test, of course he will has the answer scheme. Am I right ? Hehe. Until I finish writing this entry, I am still not sure which offers I would like to accept. But, I know He will help me after this. Allah will never give his servants challenges without knowing their capabilities. I can survive! 

If you find yourself like me (In the crisis of adult dilemma), please noted that we are in the same boat. Let's take this opportunity to remain conscious of Allah all the time. May be before this, we always forget about Him. Perhaps ? 

This is the real... reality

Assalamualaikum!

*This entry is pretty lengthy. Please bear with it*

I really want to blog since last two / three days ago. I am so excited! I haven't been to Islamic courses for a long time.. & When my Abah said that there is one tafsir class at the mosque nearby to my house.. No excuse to me this time! Hehe. We all need reminders.. to ensure we don't become so ensnared in this crazy world! It is so scary to think of, Masya Allah. 

I have always think Quran & us have a very special connection. It is just like we need sun to help us to see our way during the day. And I finally understand when Ustaz said this that night: Keperluan manusia terhadap Al-Quran lebih daripada keperluan ikan terhadap air. Allah always stresses us to think and to use our mind. You know, Quran is just like a love letter from Him, that is full of questions & answers.

Ustaz talked about the last part of Surah Al-Haqqah that night. I missed the first part of it. The second part was explained by Abah (He went to this class last week). Well, Al- Haqqah means The inevitable truth. Read: Reality. The reality is the inevitable event that will happen one day. What Abah always said to us... hari kehancuran ini ada dua, hancur maksudnya kiamat.. & juga mati. Mati juga umpama kiamat bagi kita.... Whether we realize or not, He always reminds us to be aware of the judgement day. Basically, the final part of this surah conclude everything that has been discussed in the early sections. Regarding Allah, his prophet, alam ghaib, & sam'iyyat things (syurga, neraka, hari kiamat etc etc).

My favourite Al-Quran

I am an old-style person (I guess). I love physical reading very much. If it has to be read, so I need books. Real books. Not from the handphone or what so ever. & when it comes to reading and learning, I have always need to jot down the important points (Or at least, things that I really think are very important to me). That is why, I still believe in the existence of notebook & planners. haha.

You know what Ustaz said that night ? Hak Al-Quran ke atas diri kita adalah kita mesti khatam sekurang-kurangnya dua kali setahun. Subhanallah, that is why Abah always forces us to read & read Al-Quran. Come on, we can go to work everyday, we can read hundred pages of novel, but to read a page of Al-Quran ? No ? 

*sigh* 

Listening to Ustaz's lecture really makes me think. I mean, we are just only normal human beings. We do a lot of mistakes. Sometimes, we try to hold our tongues, lower our gaze, or try as good as possible to avoid what Allah asks us to avoid.. but, we are normal human beings. We are weak and we can do the same mistakes over and over. But to know that Allah is always there for us, how can we never feel the shame ? No matter how bad we are, His door of forgiveness is always opens for us.

And, here we go for the most important notes that Ustaz said before he ended his lecture. If we have these four things with us, we have Islam in our hand. 

1) Zikr

2) Grateful body & soul

3) Sabr

4) Solehah wife / soleh husband

    
Another interesting point from Ustaz that makes me ponder: Innalillahiwainnailaihiroji'un. Kembali kepada Allah. Why we are busy to say that to the dead, whereby we should suppose to say that before we are really go back to Him. Pang! Slapped my face hardly! So, in whatever we do.. We have to always remember that there is another life in the hereafter. And that is the reality that all of us have to face. No one knows, when is the day. That is why, we are told to prepare for it. This is the real... reality.

I want to be better.

Step by step. Slowly.....

Keep the faith

Assalamualaikum!

There are many things happened these few days & I have been quite affected with everything. The major flood.. that swept almost all of the districts in my state, and the latest news regarding the Air Asia's flight.. were making me to think a lot. When I wrote the last entry regarding the rainy days last week, I never think that the flood will be this worst (No, please don't relate my dream to this incident). 

Astaghfirullah. I too cannot lie, even though my family is not affected (directly) from this incident, I am very scared. It reminds me to one of my bed-time stories with Abah: The story of Prophet Nuh,  the tragedy of tsunami that happened in Acheh last 10 years, and the most important, it makes me think...... Am I ready for the judgement day ? :(

"Atau patutkah kamu merasa aman (tidak takut) kepada Allah yang pusat pemerintahan Nya di langit itu: menghantarkan kepada kamu angin ribut yang menghujani kamu dengan batu; maka dengan itu, kamu akan mengetahui kelak bagaimana buruknya kesan amaran Ku ?" (Al-Mulk:17)

Life is temporary. We are placed in this world for only a short time. Sehari di akhirat itu sama dengan seribu tahun di dunia. These are what Abah always said during his "lecture" to us. Well, the world is more like to a testing-ground where we are being tested.. Perhaps, we can say that our life is actually an examination ? So, how we respond to all of them will be evaluated and the results will eventually determine our after-life (Even to only think about this, makes me shivering a little inside). 

And today, I vow to be a better person. I have noted some things that I should do after this (Bismillah, may everything goes well with me). After all, instead of crazily competing for the best student title in the dunia, I guess it is better for us to hunt the award of the best student in the akhirat starting from now. hehe.

Wet days

It has been so wet since last two days, signifies that the rainy season has come to Kelate. Wuuhuuu! Well, this rainy days, you know... -the perfect time to stay in the pyjama longer! Hehe. Since I 'm on my holiday, staying in the bed with the sound of wonderful rains seems so good! ...But, the rainy season this time seems different. The continuous rain has caused heavy flood in several places in Kelate (Lucky that my home is not affected. Alhamdulillah). & One of the most affected areas is in Mache, one place that I heart very much. Looking at all the pictures, it was quite shocking to see there were water pooled in most of the places, including the front road of the campus. It must be hard for everyone there. My deepest condolences goes to the flood victims and I pray that everything will go well. Stay safe, everyone :)

By the way, ... I don't know how to tell about this. It 's just, I dreamed the same thing over and over these few days. It was related to water (a lot). Telling best friend about the dream was not helping (?) -Ok ok, he helped! He came out with one or two theories, and they were all fun-ny! But, still I could not forget it. Hm, perhaps the dream is trying to relay me some messages ? Ohhhh man, I 'm dizzy. Let's hope it is just only a dream. Please.

The rain, water, flood, & the dream T___T 

Source: Instagram UiTMMachang

_____________________________________________________________________________

"It is okay". He tells me. "If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I have ever wanted anything in my life". His voice cracks with emotion. He stops, clears his throat, takes a breath, and continues. "But that is what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you want to stop fighting". -If I Stay, Gayle Forman.

I cry reading this paragraph. It is very heartbreaking :( I bought this book after noticing that the cover of the book is very attractive. Well, ok it was not mine bought the book. My best friend did. I whats-app(ed) him the cover of the book in the morning, he bought it in the evening of the same day (wow), but I only received it one month after that. Haha! At first, I never really get what is the story about, although I read the synopsis for several times (I tell you, I am attracted to this book because of the cover). Those who have read or watch this story probably know what happens. Everything changes in a single moment when Mia and her family involve in a disastrous car accident. To make it more worst, she is the only one who survive...... and basically, this novel is only about a girl who is facing an ultimate dilemma: To live or to die.

Though, this book really provoked me a lot of thoughts. As Mia struggled to make decisions whether to live or to die, which I think it must very hard on her, I do take my own time to think about my decision too (I have decided, I guess). Cannot deny, decision making is always a very painful process. Mia's story is beautiful. But, buying this book to only read about a soul wandering in the hospital..... Ahhhhh nvm, it is my choice (And my best friend pays for it. Haha!) I tell you earlier, the cover of the book is very seducing. hehe. So, the real lesson ? Don't judge a book by its cover ;)

Home is not home without mom

Assalamualaikum!

Mom is not here now and will be coming home only this Monday. Huwaaaa I am very exhausted! Home maker is really not my job. Sending and picking up the school children, cleaning and keeping the house in order... These duties are very tiring.. I can never imagine how mom can work and in the mean time, still managing the house. This particular event had made me thinking how much I appreciate my mom. -Even though I can count on one hand how many times she has said she loves me, I know she does. Haha

Recalling on my childhood days, a common joke that my siblings and I used to say is "I wish I had bla bla mom, she is very sporting, bla bla and the list goes". Haha! We seem so eager to be adult that time. I still remember sneaking out into mom's room stealing her over-sized dress and posed.. Well, you know. ..girls' hormones -__-'

Not now, anymore. Mom might not be perfect (She nags a lot!), but I know she had tried her best in fulfilling the wishes of her children. Ah ok, enough with this. Let's get back to work. Mom, 5 days off duties are more than enough! Please come home fast.

________________________________________________________________

Source: Tumblr

Abah talked about sabr these few days. Well, perhaps he realized that his daughter is in her gloomy days. hehe. Life is a series of moments. In between this real life, there is sometimes highs and lows of our lives. And in these times, we as the believer must establish our connection to Allah (Dah susah, baru cari. Malunya ya Allah).

....Kena sabar: Sabar dengan apa yang kita suka, sabar juga dengan apa yang kita tak suka. -Abah

The feeling, the same feeling few years back.

One thing that makes it different is this time, I am ready for any possibilities. The joy that I had when I received all the awards is all from Allah. And it is equally to the worry that I feel now is too from Him. After all, it may be we hate a thing that is good for us and our desire to something will only lead to the ruining of our lives. Who knows ?

Designing the future

 A:  You are too busy

 B:   I make myself busy because you are busy

A:   Still, you are busier

B:  You are too immersed with your design

A:  But, I 'm designing our future

B:  ......

*************

My best friend is very good at giving excuses now. Haha. Whatever it is, regarding the future.. ...I have some specific worries about what the future holds for me. Especially, for these few days.. I was very stressed and burnt out worrying about my next journey of life. The place seems closer, but yet it is still far away. After all, may Allah ease everything that I am doing now. 

My final semester result will be out on the first week of November. For the first time, I am very impatient to know about the results. My works seem cannot be settled without the final results. Talking to best friend will always end up with -you are thinking too much. Stop it, over thinking kills you inside. 

So, let's keep calm, for now ? Truth to be said, the unknown have provided some heartaches for me. & it really ruined my days too. I know, we cannot control the future (Ok, designing is accepted. haha), but we know that more often than not, if we are open to it; it will lead us to something good. Bukan kah Allah dah tetapkan yang baik semuanya ?

___________________________________________________

Assalamualaikum! 

The new Islamic year is finally here. Abah did some tazkirah about this yesterday. Set new resolutions, make changes on your life. Or, you should at least review the direction of your life. 

“Kamu telah dilalaikan (daripada mengerjakan amal bakti) oleh perbuatan berlumba-lumba untuk mendapat dengan sebanyak-banyaknya (harta benda, anak-pinak pangkat dan pengaruh). Sehingga kamu masuk kubur" (102: 1-2)

Ah, very deep. I am too busy chasing my dreams. Sometimes, I struggled a lot to show my best part of me to the people outside there... Sitting down and logically thinking about it, what am I doing actually ? I know, somehow I feel like I have messed up my priorities. I don't want to success only in this world, I want to be productive for the Hereafter too, seriously! T__T

We fall to learn to pick ourselves up

Assalam. 

The result is out, the result is out! As expected, I could not maintain flat this semester. huhu. How to tell ah, I 've expected this.. but..., I 'm really hoping that the result 'll turn out well as previous two semesters... but, .... -just forget it! haha. Overall, It had been a very challenging semester. With all the workloads, & when I thought Law is the hardest; IT killed me. Bang! haha.

As I reflect upon this, I can only say that I am very grateful. Perhaps, this is a small reminder. After all, I'm extremely blessed. Another year to go, I should keep the motivation levels high. I really want to finish this faster. 

Erm. Hai :)

Assalamualaikum. It has been really.... long long time, right ? Happy new year ? (Since this is my first post for 2013 ;p). No, I'm not resigning from writing. As had been stated before, I write to inspire others. But, my life last few days, or should I say week ? or maybe, year ? were not too good to be talked about (If you know, what I mean here). That time was so hard. I was on the verge of mental breakdown, I just felt like to put my head between my knees and cry, cry, and cry to death. 

The only good thing about that episodic memory was I lost my weight a lot. haha. See, every cloud has a silver lining. haha! I learnt something too. Redha. Dan ikhlas. Selagi tak rela, selagi tak ikhlas, selagi itu hati tak tenang, jiwa gelora. Yesterday, was the day that I ended my third semester for my diploma. & basically, I am on holiday. I'm doing good. As for the results, I did pretty good for the last two semesters and of course, I'm hoping for the best this semester (mohon doakan). Just to let you know, I also have two clubs to be handled now. hehe. At first, I'm doing all these extra things to forget my problems. I bet you 'll never imagine how worst I was that time. (In fact, I even googled how to be happy, how to stand up after falling hard, etc. etc.). I remembered one question that was asked by a senior during an interview for one club last semester. Apa yang awak mahu daripada kelab ini ? .......I don't know. Me too, not sure that time. One thing that I really want is.. I want myself back. So, this was my answer ...saya mencari semangat yang hilang. Saya harap, kelab ini mampu menolong saya. 

As I predicted, the clubs are helpful. People here are good. I met some good friends. They are really playing their roles in helping me gathering back my strength. Much less, I'm back on the track now. And as I typing this entry; I actually struggling to finish my international visit proposal for my club next semester. The date line is tomorrow night!! I think that's all for now. My work is calling for me. haha. 'll tell you more in the next entry. Till the fingers meet the keyboard, again. :)

______________________________________________________

Cause everything starts from something, 

But something would be nothing,

Nothing if your heart didn't dream with me

Besides parents and siblings, I do have super best friend who supports me all the way. I think this is the right time to say thank you, thank you for always being here. You may not understand for some things, why I do what I do now. But, for you never criticized... and just helped me through them... Thank you. I appreciate them, very much. Well, I am not good in putting up words, but this song really reminds me of you. ;) -Don't worry, there is no picture of Bieber, since I know you hate him very much. haha

It 's not a fair play

Gaza's victims are too young to understand, but not to die

"They were sleeping with their father over here. Suddenly, the house collapsed. The brother ran to them. He found them under this rock." -sigh. In the last seven days many people have been murdered, including children. & more and more are being murdered day by day. again, sigh. In Gaza, children, if their lives were spared, wait in hospitals, bandaged and scared, for their dead mothers to rush towards them. Others lie alone, along with their siblings, or beside their father, faces deeply cut, hearts still as rubble, their eyes sleepy as in the night before when they couldn’t sleep, some with twinkling eyes. Still, they breathe no more. -copied. 

Let's pray. Lets show our peers that we have their backs. Pray for the children and young people, asking that all their fears will be calmed. Pray for the women & men. Pray for justice! Allahuakbar

 _______________________________________________________

 The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks, success walks...

Assalamualaikum. It has been a while, kan ? My last update was in August. I am actually struggling, thinking of what should I write and not.. How to tell...... ? Em.., it is as simple as this... I want to inspire people... But, I find myself is still, not inspiring enough.. Thus, nothing to write! But, well, I really have no intention to stop blogging.. No worry. :)

Dear world, twenty years and seven days.

I have been lived for two decades. Whoa!

What more could I possibly want ?

Yes yes! I have grown legally yeay! I don't actually know what being twenty supposed to feel like.. But as for me, reaching twenty means that we are old enough to start accomplishing stuff. It is not easy to let go nineteen. It was one of the great year.. And of course one of the toughest. My new sem in this new place have not been entirely easy. However, I cannot shake the feeling this is exactly the place that I should be.

Overall, I am incredibly blessed. Having supportive family, friends, and stable- mates (:O) besides, I have grown to understand that I am one of the luckiest person on the earth. For the persons who take the time out of their day to say something nice to me, thank you thank you. You guys are so wonderful.

Focus on what truly matters, truly matters.

Some of our projects are extremely important to us, some matter a little – and some simply don’t matter to us at all.

Looking at my life, sometimes I wondered why my progress was slow. I thought that I was already focused on my goals. We all know, there are different things that drive us. Have to admit that focusing on what matters to us, is not simply a thought exercise.

One thing that I learned from all things that happened is let's try to open our mind! Just like strength, stamina and flexibility must be incorporated since the mind needs new challenges to give it a change from its everyday journey. By the way, try to avoid negative people! I’ve dealt with a fair share of negative people in my life. Do you have one ? If so, you will know they aren’t the most enjoyable people to be around (Trust me). Highlight: let's try to focus on what truly matters, truly matters.

______________________________________________________

There were days when I asked myself how did I end up here.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku meminta pilihan yang tepat kepadaMu dengan ilmu pengetahuanMu dan aku mohon kekuasaanMu (untuk mengatasi persoalanku) dengan kemahakuasaanMu. Aku mohon kepadaMu sesuatu daripada anugerahMu Yang Maha Agung, sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Kuasa sedang aku tidak berkuasa. Engkau mengetahui sedang aku tidak mengetahui dan Engkau adalah Maha Mengetahui hal yang ghaib.

Ya Allah, apabila Engkau mengetahui bahwa urusan ini (di sini, orang yang mempunyai hajat hendaknya menyebutkan persoalannya) adalah baik untuk agamaku, kehidupanku, dan akibatnya terhadap diriku, di dunia atau akhirat, maka takdirkanlah untukku, mudahkan jalannya, kemudian berikanlah keberkatan. Akan tetapi apabila Engkau mengetahui bahwa persoalan ini berbahaya bagiku dalam agamaku, kehidupanku dan akibatnya terhadap diriku, maka jauhkanlah persoalan tersebut dariku dan jauhkanlah aku darinya, takdirkan kebaikan untukku di mana pun ia berada, kemudian berilah kerelaanMu kepadaku -Doa solat istikharah.

Doalah seperti doa solat istikharah. Ia sesekali tidak membuatkan diri kita berfikir negatif dengan menyebutkan ‘jika sesuatu itu gagal’ tetapi kita berserah pada Allah seandainya sesuatu itu tidak memberikan kebaikan kepada diri kita, maka kita redha, pasrah dan berserah kepada Allah untuk sesuatu yang lebih baik.

Sincerity is a mystery between God and a servant.

Saat dilanda ujian, kita teriak kecewa

Tatkala dihimpit cubaan, kita meratap kesedihan

Apabila hati kita dibina dengan benteng kesabaran, dikelilingi senjata redha, dan sistem pertahanan berupa doa yang tak putus-putus, nescaya ia sukar untuk diroboh. Saat itu, Allah SWT pasti akan menurunkan pertolonganNya yang berupa kekuatan menyinari dalamannya dan memberikan ganjaran berlipat kali ganda atas kesabaran yang menghiasi diri hambaNya. -www.faridrashidi.com.

___________________________________________________

Hai hao! It has been a while kan. Aaah.. feels good to return back writing, a nice place where I can confess all my feelings. A bit rusty -___-" (This entry had been in the draft for quite some time. Not having enough strength to post it before this, for some cannot- be- avoid reasons. huhu).

Can't deny, failure is painful

Everyone hates it. It 's very negative and to me it sounds quite final. Well, have no experience in this kind of situation (Yes, this is the biggest problem, I have never suffered in such life events), of course I may think it 'll kill me.. and it may feel like it almost will.. just after it happened. But, trust me actually it won’t. Instead it makes us stronger. In the end of the process, we know that this is life cycle.. All we need is redha, dan ikhlas juga. :)

All in all, yes it is good to be back again!